OK ladies and gentlemen new topic to discuss

Would you?
Have you?

What are your thoughts on affairs with married people?

What do you think about people who have affairs with married people?

Things have been a little dull around here so I thought I would pick a topic that perhaps might liven things up

Enjoy

I would, I have... sorta been there, done that, have the t-shirt, bear, blackhawk helicopter, sweatshirt, flag.. etc.

It started off years ago as just friends and grew. He is still my best friend.

Nope, and there are a couple reasons why:

1) You can steal a man's money or borrow his car and wreck it and he may find it in his heart to forgive you. You can even marry his daughter and he might one day, grudgingly, deep down, not want to kill you anymore.

But when you mess with the symbol of his genetic destiny/immortality, connection to the Godhead and eternal flowing vastness of the universe, you are playing with dangerous strings that go all the way down to the old reptile brain.

Good way to wake up some night staked naked to an anthill.

2) I take oaths seriously. Loyalty and honesty are important to me. If a woman proves herself unworthy of the oath she made -- I don't even want to know her as an aquaintance, much less a friend or lover. I don't care if this oath was to a God, a man, a church, a community.

You made it. Stick to it, dissolve it, or leave me alone.

I've almost done it. One time I found out at the last minute that she was not in fact divorced but still married, she just wanted him to catch her in the act with someone so she could get a divorce!!!! There have been other times when I've been sorely tempted but circumstances have intervened and it never came about. It sometimes can happen before you know it.

You make an interesting couple of points. In reference to #2... I definitely agree the oath should be taken seriously and loyalty and honesty are definitely important to me as well. Do you think there are times when people just can't help themselves? The marriage is so bad and they feel they do not have the ability to get out and yet while trapped in this marriage they meet and fall for someone else... Does that still make them a horrible person or victim of circumstance?

I've refrained from stealing while starving on the street. I know people who have turned down heroin while going through the worst of withdrawal. The 'can't help myself' argument doesn't cut much mustard with me when it comes to something as situational dependant as a sexual encounter.



A lot of reality disconnects in that hypothetical. They 'fell for' the person they are now horribly married to. What makes them think that this case will be any better? More importantly, how will having sex with Mr/Mrs. New get them out of their bad situation?



I refrain from making moral judgments when the actions of others do not directly harm me, or cause direct harm to innocents. I am a believer in free association. I place such people in the category of those I don't want to associate with, wish them the best of luck, and avoid them in the future.

Very interesting opinions. I appreciate the fact that you can articulate your opinion with intelligent thought as opposed to just an emotional rant.

Well, since I'm not married* and not involved with a married person, it's pretty easy to not get emotional over the subject.

I'm not saying that this is entirely black and white. Take the example of Kris above. I do not judge Kris harshly at all. Why? Because:

1) Kris made no oath.

2) I know her well enough (and trust her enough) to give her the benefit of the doubt that what she did harmed no one.

3) I don't know her friend. I might very well dislike him for breaking his oath if I met him. But I don't judge people by the company they keep.

That's the problem with broad hypotheticals like this. They are, by definition, devoid of details. And the devil is in the details, every damn time.


*And never plan to be. I, in fact, don't believe in marriage, personally. That's the most ironic thing. I do believe in respecting oaths and vows and 'word as bond' as the true glue that 
holds civilization together. People do make mistakes, however, and any just society will have a process
by wich oaths and vows may be rescinded. The question of whether our society makes this process too easy or too difficult is an entirely different matter, IMO.

You are a doll, G.

I could try and explain or justify my friend, but it is not my place and would take too long and use up too much bandwidth. He is in an unhappy situation and struggles constantly with the decisions he needs to make. I never set out to go beyond the friendship we have shared for almost nine years now, it just happened. Right or wrong, it is what it is. I struggled with it for a long time myself. I worried what others might think or say.. I got past that.
I saw a quote once that fit...
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

My signature says it all, too.

This I understand. I was talking to a man on POF who said he was divorced. At first he was believable but after a while there were things that didn't add up.

What was the use in saying he was divorced when he wasn't? When you sign up on POF and choose what type of relationship you're looking for... dating, fun, long term, etc. you are given the option of "Intimate Encounter". Why did he feel the need to lie and say he was divorced and wanted a long term relationship when he was married and just looking for something on the side? I don't care that nothing came of the acquaintance... that's not the point... but let's be honest about what we're really after...

OK, that was slightly off topic but what the heck it's what came to mind.

As for the "is it ok" thing... well, I like what George had to say:
"That's the problem with broad hypotheticals like this. They are, by definition, devoid of details. And the devil is in the details, every damn time."

I didn't know until after the fact that he was married, yet I still felt guilty. Being a firm believer in karma, I wished for his and feared my own. Although I would never set out to find a married man, I would never judge anyone for their actions ... cuz ya just never know what'll happen!

I've been on the other side, my ex-husband cheated and even when I found out about it and had an old boyfriend right on my doorstep after me, I still didn't. Oaths and promises I make are a vital part of what defines me as a person. I despised my husband for cheating on me and I DEFINITELY didn't want to turn into what I despised.

However, I don't judge anyone for actions that they choose to follow through with. I've also got a dear friend who was married when we met and we became very close when he separated and planned to divorce his wife. His wife pretty much used the kids to force him to come home and I ended our affair. We are still very close and talk often, but for me a sexual relationship with a married man isn't what I feel is being true to ME.

I do however have a few friends who are married or with significant others and have relationships with others with the full knowledge and approval of their SO. I think that's cool too so long as no one is being underhanded about it.

I'm quite certain this will kill any popularity I might of hoped to achieve here.. But frankly I don't place a lot of stock into marriage as "sacred", it just doesn't have alot of meaning to me. Vows or not, you either have an attachment and a desire to remain with just one person or you don't. I'm not entirely sure that monogamy is such a great thing to begin with and the expectation and lack of follow through have caused a great deal of suffering in the world. Love and Sex can and often are separate things, I firmly believe that a woman or a man can have casual sex all the while still being attached to the person they are in a relationship with. Whereas I would never betray a friend's trust by sleeping with his wife, g/f, etc. I have no such issues with a stranger.

So I think basically it depends on the situation but I am not opposed to it. Also if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd prefer she just tell me she wants variety and we can try to hammer out something that spares the hearts of both of us.

Well, the honest answer is never the wrong answer... If it's how you feel, then more power to you!
Doesn't mean folks won't try to challenge it, this is the debate forum, but just speak your mind.

"So I think basically it depends on the situation but I am not opposed to it. Also if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd prefer she just tell me she wants variety and we can try to hammer out something that spares the hearts of both of us."

Dig That. what he said.

I have done it but with much soul searching first. I proceeded because, I was single, they were breaking their promise not me. Also the guys I went out with, I had no intention of taking them from their families, just wanted to spend a little time together. When I was married I was faithful.

some interesting comments on the subject in my opinion it would be on an individual circumstance type of thing I myself have been in a shitty marriage and was faithful until I met someone who helped me realize I did not have to stay stuck in the situation. I owe that person more than he will ever know and whatever paths we take together or separate (together I hope) that debt of gratitude will never change. For some people it is just a sexual encounter in my personal situation it happened to be more

I would absolutely never have an affair with a married man if I thought his relationship with his wife was still viable. Stated another way, I would not necessarily let the existence of a piece of paper deter me from a good relationship, so long as I felt very certain the previous relationship was dead. (I would assume a divorce was in the works.)

Were I married, I can't imagine ever cheating on my husband. I'm too focused a person for that anyway--I don't have the ability to split my emotions that way.

My answer have I No would I No

Why?
My dad cheated on my mom 3times. Each time she stuck it out. I saw what it did to her I WILL NOT let it happen to me. I tell every relationship I have if you are so unhappy you want to cheat tell me so we can break up and you can move on.

Have I? Sadly, yes. Once, in a drunken encounter. I rarely drink now, and never to excess. Enough said about that. Twice with men who were truly separated from their wives. One had already filed for divorce, the other actually gave me his wife's phone number so that I could verify his story for myself. (She was on the other side of the country.)

Would I? Not again. Even through two very difficult marriages, I never have cheated, and I've come to expect no less of a potential partner. Strength of character counts for a great deal. I simply am no longer interested in weak men.

Amen!

haven't... was tempted...but wouldn't.

i think if a person is unhappy in their marriage, then they should end it and then move on to someone new.

I agree whole heartedly with this. Where I will never fault someone for falling out of love with their spouse/significant other, I cannot agree with anyone stepping outside their marriage. Get out first and then go hunting...

Good way to get shot.

Ask my husband and his mistress...according to her I need to concede defeat. LOL! I agree with you George, 100%

I was unhappy in my marriage, but I never, ever cheated. We tried our best to make it work. So I can confidently ask...What's the use of stepping out on your marriage with someone else without just getting out of the marriage? How is it going to make things better? Cheating is stupid and selfish. There is nothing about it that makes the unhappy spouse feel better. And what about the spouse that's being cheated on, I guess it's easy to believe it's all their fault, right? Cheating is stupid...and I'm not even going to get started about how I feel about the single people who want to cheat with a married person.

I agree with you 100%. Great post!

Kudos on your honest way of handling your situation and a great post.
I heard someone once say that "If they'll do it with ya, they'll do it to ya"

Would you?

Never without the other spouses knowledge and approval.

Have you?

Yes. But like I said it was with full knowledge and approval. In fact most of the times she was present and involved. As was my husband. (Does that really count as 'affair'?)

What are your thoughts on affairs with married people?

I think anything done in a shady nature and behind someone's back is a no-no. If you're sexually attracted to others and want to pursue it, bring up the issue with your spouse. You might be surprised that she's interested in the same things. Now when it goes beyond just sex and gets emotional, that's a little tricky. When you're married, your whole heart belongs to your spouse. If someone else is getting in there it's time to put some distance between you and the temptation and take a good long look at your marriage.

What do you think about people who have affairs with married people?

I can't understand why someone would ever knowingly have an affair with a married man (not including seperation, getting divorced, etc). I just don't get it. What happened to the golden rule? Would you want another woman going after your guy if he knew good and well that he was married to you??

Think about it!

I been in the same situation, and is not a good one. I really don't want the inner voice to drive me crazy if I do something silly.

cheating is just what it says it is,if the marrage isnt working then maybe it should be broght out in the open and worked on but never just say this it. we are the top of the food chain we can adapt.
varied ways of marrage have worked thru out the years,one wife two wives two husbands ,but never throwing away the vows you made. but the rules change when you become the hurt one and only the one that is hurt can work thru it.

i have in the past... but i won't...

i have an unending fondness for married men... they have a settled, easy way about them that single men often do not have... sexually, more than half of my top 10 were probably married... i dont know if married men bring a certain quality of sex into the bedroom or if i just like the mildly taboo nature of adultery... i was quite capable of rationalizing my behavior by saying that i had no commitment that i was violating by helping someone cheat

all that being said, i choose not to fool around with married folks at this point in my life... as ive aged i think ive gotten more selfish... i dont want to have to accept leftover emotions, attention, time or sex... any man that i can "take" probably isnt worth having

i've also gotten to the point where i see that passion is not worth chaos... i dont want the risk of all the sexually transmitted cooties you can get even when using a condom... i dont want the drama of some crying woman calling me, coming to my job or knocking on my door... i dont want the internalized moral dilemma of seeing myself as an enemy to someone's wife, children and family

Well said.

Well, I guess I am on the other side of the equation. I am still married, but been seperated for over 4 years, many of you on here that are closer to me know my reasons I am not yet divorced. In a perfect world all things would be black and white, yet we know none of us have the luxury of know what tomorrow may bring or what another moment holds in store for us. Fate is a cruel lady and she bites hard when she is toyed with. I can only say I follow my heart when dealing with others. I personally respect anyone who will not date a married person. I in fact would never date a married woman who is still with her husband. I am not a marriage breaker. You have to prove to me it is over, not just tell me that it is. I never once cheated on my wife while we were together, not once, yet she did. I am not wired that way. I like others believe if you take a vow stick to it. Hoever, it takes two to make a marriage. I can have all the love in the world for someone, but if they cheat, what becomes of the vow? I like many have said would not try and have a personal relationship or affair if you like, with a married woman who still lives at home or is still involved with their husband. If you are not seperated and been so for a while, I would not try to start a relationship, because its probably not over between the wife and her husband. I too hate drama. I can only say that if you give your heart to someone who is still married, at least make sure the marriage is over and they are "seperated in the legal sense" and there is no chance of them ever going back or you may be setting yourself up for heartbreak. Once again, opinions are like assholes, everybody has one, or as my eleventh grade teacher would say "advice is worth exactly what it costs you" and that is a big ZERO!

Shoot most of the time I forget to ask them thier name much less whether they're married or not.

I'd have to say yes I'd have sex with a married women. It would be really selfish on my part to deny some lady the pleasure of sleeping with me just because she's married.

Interesting topic.......

I've been married for 18 years, some good times, lots and lots of bad ones. But it's my choice to be in this situation obviously because I'm still here and kicking. Several times over these years I have actually THOUGHT I could cheat--even went as far as to get drunk, and stand up to go out with the guy. Something stopped me in my tracks. I realized then that I had an investment in my marriage. It hasn't all been good, its been alot of hell.....but I know in my heart that I made a promise not just to him but to myself and my family. Besides that.....the SOB is still sexy to me! LOLOL

this is how marriages get broken, if there is a problem and you cant find the answer at home then it needs worked out or the marriage ended cheating hurts everyone......................

Have I? Yep. New job, young and stupid. I fell for the "oh, we're getting divorced soon... it's a mutual thing, but we've not had sex in 2 years." Come to find out he was never once faithful to his wife in the whole 14 years they were married, and then fell apart like it was a -surprise- when she served him with the papers over one he'd not actually gotten around to sleeping with yet.

Needless to say, boy has issues of the serious childhood trauma type. He's still, almost a year later "oh but I LOVE her" bullshit whining. Still sleeping with anything that will lay still long enough, which no longer includes me. He may have been fantastic in the bed, but I don't share.

So would I? Hell no. That's one lesson I won't repeat.

good for you

I would be a hopicrit to say that i would't sleep with a married woman becuase unfortunately I have, but it was'nt till after the fact that I found out she was'nt devorced. I do want to know why men and woman do this, is it because they can or is it becuase they have no concern for the other persons feelings. I would like that question answered.I recently had this happen, again, well allmost I did'nt have real sex but oral is better than nothing right. So thats my .02 cents worth. Married poeple should stay married and with their own partner, if they want to have sex with someone else get a Divorce. Thanks for listening and remember it's not who you screw it's how long you can screw that makes it fun.....

Last year, I found out that the very first man I really loved was married when we met. Now... we met in 2000 and dated on and off until 2004. So, clearly by the time the relationship was officially over, he was divorced. To top it all off, when I pressed for details "he couldn't exactly" remember when his divorce was final. Last summer, in an attempt to rekindle our romance he called me up in the middle of the night and confessed that he was married when we met. To make me feel better - he told me that once we started sleeping together, he stopped sleeping with his wife (how sweet). Since I had discovered many lies during our relationship, I was not shocked but I was hurt. He said he was trying to start fresh - but I think he was clearning his conscience. It sucks knowing now, all these years after the relationship ended, that my first love was a married man (who wasn't married to me!). Had I known he was married - he wouldn't have been my first love. So I guess I'm a contradiction - I wouldn't sleep with a married man, but I have.

I agree with you 100%. Didnt lose any popularity with me.

Also, is it really considered and "affair" if you have permission???? Some people consider sex a recreation activity like golf.

**This is an opinion, not a declaration of activity!** Okay it was a declaration

Me too. It's like a civic duty.

No & No
Not the Way I Was Raised.. I Have a constant fear that By doing something like that my Grannie Will Rise up outta the grave and smack me up-side my head

No disrepect intended but sleeping with a married person who you know is married is dishonest. You and the cheating spouse are stealing. I would not do it because I am not a thief.

But what if the married person is allowed???? Does that change your theory on stealing?

I'd never steal a married woman from her husband... by the time I'm done, I'm very happy to return her to wherever I found her.

oh how, ummm, romantic? noble? Kind? oh shoot whats that word I'm looking for?

ROFLMAO.. Joe u are just adorable!!!!

There was a time that I didn't see "him" being married as an issue. I felt that his cheating was HER problem. I never really stopped to think how i'd feel if I was married and my husband cheated.

Now that i'm older, wiser, and in a loving relationship, I know that I never should've done it.