9. RitualsTruth hurts.
In every sense that matters, there is quite a bit of magic to a simple campfire. On the deepest level of elemental truth, the basic act of forcing dead, cold matter to give forth light and heat is the very heart of what magic is and will forever be. Life from death, action from the void.
Between human beings there is magic in the campfire as well. The flickering light scaring away the shadows can act as a portal for wisdom. Can allow truths to be told that would sound false in the light of the sun.
The Smoke Man obeyed the ritual as he sat at Hope's fire. He nodded a greeting to The Cat and his army. They accepted his presence with silent politeness. He brought forth a pouch and a pack of rolling papers. To an offered fire, one brings their own offering: be that a drink, a bite, a smoke or a story.
"Care for a smoke?" he asked.
"I don't use tobacco." Hope informed him.
"This isn't tobacco." he admitted with a smile.
"I don't smoke pot either."
"Nor is it cannabis." His fingers rolled with simple deft motions.
Hope smiled. "What is it?"
"Called dreambreak. Only grows in the Borderlands. Some say it opens the mind and the memory when they'd rather stay closed." His eyes were unreadable when he finished the smoke and put it to his lips. He lit it and took a long, crackling drag. Hope smelled the herb then, faintly. It hinted at spice and something deeper. A musky scent, like the den of a burrowing animal.
"You still don't know how you came to be here, do you?"
She shook her head no.
"This could help." He offered her the smoke.
She considered a moment, before finally taking it. She had little to fear from the Smoke Man, who was the only person in the Borderlands who had ever answered any of her questions.
She didn't choke. The dreambreak was surprisingly smooth. Spice and musk, yes -- and the surprise of a peppermint aftertaste, that turned sweet as it lingered on the tongue.
She took another drag. She held the smoke until it expanded to the point of pain in her lungs. She let it go, and watched the ghostly whorls emerge from her mouth, dancing through shifting focus, bright and somehow...significant.
It's already affecting me, she understood.
Across the fire, the Smoke Man's grin seemed to grow. "Just let it come. Don't fight it. Relax and let it come."
"Why are you helping me?" she asked, while she still could. Around her, the night grew distinct.
"Maybe you're helping me." he said.
And then she was gone.
In the first vision she and the cat are in a very familiar hospital room. She recognizes the room, having spent two horrible weeks there. She doesn't know why the cat is with her, but she appreciates his company.
They stand in a corner and watch. In the bed, invaded by tubes and dying, lies her father. Sitting before him, all weeped out, holding a shoe box, is herself.
How small and thin and weak she looks, Hope thinks. How feeble.
"You brought it." her Father says. It isn't a question.
The old Hope simply nods.
"You're a good girl." her Father tells her. He always told her that. His voice is thin and weak and raspy. The cancer has taken all of his strength, all of his energy and vigor. It hasn't taken his will, yet. That much she knows. If it had, he couldn't have requested this final favor from her.
She sits the box on the nightstand. She kisses her Father goodbye. She hugs him for a long moment and even finds a few more tears to shed into his chest. Finally, she stands. She hesitates. She leaves, unable to say anything more.
From the corner, Hope and the cat watch what follows. Hope knows what is coming, and -- in her old life -- often wished she'd been strong enough to stay by her father's side as he did what he had to do. That she'd had the will and strength to hold his hand as he'd taken his life. He'd ended the pain as a sane man, with his mind and memory intact. She'd been too weak to do so. Too weak and too scared and too childish.
But she isn't that person any more. She's not weak, or scared, or childish now. She's a woman of iron and cordite, a dealer of death and justice. She's grown and ancient in the way of the hard path.
She and the cat step up to her father as he struggles with the box containing his old gun. The tubes that get in his way are torn unceremoniously out, and he ignores the increase in pain. All that will be over in a moment.
As he places the gun to his temple, hand shaking but sure, something focuses in his eyes. She steps as close as she can. She wills him to see her.
Her ghost hand takes his free hand. That big strong hand that protected her for so long.
A smile flickers at the corner of his mouth. Perhaps he sees her. A little. Enough.
"I love you Daddy." she whispers, and he pulls the trigger.
It is messy and awful and sad, but she doesn't look away. She owes him that much.
As the flurry of the aftermath happens, she is surprised when the ghost stands up from her father's dead body, the ghost of his gun still clenched in his hand. He looks insubstantial but somehow stronger in death than in those last moments of life.
He sits there on the bed, as nurses and doctors rush and sigh and shake their heads in sadness and pity. He seems to listen to a faraway voice. Finally he nods, and smiles.
He stands up and, carrying the gun, walks out of the room.
She follows him, with the cat. They follow him as he leaves the hospital, and the manicured grounds, as he finds a road and heads west. His stride is determined, his manner happy and purposeful. As she follows him he seems to grow ever more substantial. More solid.
After a long time, he comes across the old truck. She begins to understand when he takes the gun belt and holster from the front seat, and straps them on. As he drops the now familiar gun into place.
She climbs into the passenger seat as he takes the wheel. As they drive into the desert. He navigates by that unheard voice for a while, until it apparently tells him to stop. He does so. He settles back, to wait.
He will wait here for a long time, she knows.
She gets out of the truck, opening and closing the door unnoticed by the ghost of her father. A ghost that is no longer a ghost here in the Borderlands. A flesh and blood man who will wait past a second death, and turn to bone, and finally dust, waiting for her. To deliver that gun to her hand.
She smiles at him there. He looks patient, content even. A little smile lingers on his face. His head is cocked as he listens to that unheard voice, and his eyes are closed as if hearing a lovely melody. Perhaps the voice is singing to him. She hopes so.
"I love you Daddy." She says again, and starts to leave.
Reality warps and folds in upon itself.
She is sitting at the campfire again. The tears on her cheeks surprise her.
The Smoke Man reaches the still smoldering dreambreak to her again. She is not finished.
She takes it. The taste this time is one of citrus, and a slight burn like cayenne as the flavor fades. The smoke from her mouth eddies in a great whorl, shifting color from white to blue, to join the black of night as she fades and travels again.
The courtroom is as silent as the grave.
"Guilty." the foreman of the jury announces.
The silence ends and the great circus erupts. The judge bangs for order with no success. It is over, at last -- after months of testimony and tears and accusations. It is over and the husband killing bitch has been found guilty, just as she was judged by the media and the public before she ever set foot in this courtroom.
Her tales of rape and abuse were not believed. Her stories of why she killed her husband and his three friends. To make matters even more horrible, all four of her victims were decorated police officers. Paragons of virtue and pillars of their community. Their records were spotless and their names respected. The idea that they had gathered every weekend to rape and humiliate the small and quite plain woman before them was ridiculous. It was obviously part of the murderous psychopathic fantasy that her deranged mind had created. She was jealous of her husbands success and reputation. The suicide of her dying father had been the final push over the edge of madness. Three noted psychiatrists testified to this.
She and the cat sit in the back, lost amidst the circus of the guilty verdict. Hope keeps her eyes on the timid and washed out woman being led, handcuffed, from the courtroom. The woman who shows not a single emotion. Who rarely even blinks those puffy, sleep starved eyes.
She and the cat stand and follow as the bailiffs lead her towards her cell. The sentencing will take place the very next day, the judge has decreed. The most predicted outcome is the electric chair. There is a certain grim satisfaction to the reporters as they make note of this, as they prepare the news for a slew of special editions.
Hope follows the woman. She knows what is coming.
She sees the wife of one of her victims before anyone else. Watches as the red haired, scarecrow thin woman steps up, face a mask of hate and pain, and shoots the murderess three times.
"Die you murdering whore!" the red haired scarecrow screams, before the bailiffs tackle her, releasing the bleeding, silent murderess, who crumples to the floor.
She is not surprised this time, when the ghost stands up from the dead body. She simply follows as her past self discovers that the handcuffs are gone. She remembers thinking how lucky she was that all three bullets missed her. How she had a chance to escape. How she took it and ran.
Hope and the cat follow, easily, knowing every step now, but curious. Drawn to watch.
They follow, as she flees through the streets of the city. As she steals an outfit from a clothesline. She grows substantial as she does so, already in the Borderlands, the city but a copied memory.
As she makes her way to a Salvation Army, where she outfits herself for a trip.
As she hitch hikes west, forgetting as she goes, remembering only the terror and the reckless desire to flee.
Miles from the city she encounters Char -- old Charon -- who picks her up and ferries her across a Styx of solid black flow, a river of asphalt.
Into the Borderlands proper. Into the great Inbetween. She runs, seeking revenge and retribution against the bastard who continued to hurt her even after she'd killed him.
Chasing the ghost of her husband into the land of the unquiet dead.
Reality demanded attention.
She gasped. The still burning stub of the dreambreak singed her fingers.
Her body tingled with an almost electric charge as she emerged from the throes of the vision.
It was near dawn. Mellow grey light seeped up over the horizon. The rising mountains of the Free West were etched in shadow in the distance.
The Smoke Man regarded her. She tossed the stub of the dreambreak into the guttering remains of the fire.
"So. Now you know." he said. His voice was gentle.
"Yes." she told him. "Thank you."
He shrugged and stood up. She followed suit.
"Now what?" he asked.
She considered. After a moment she smiled. "Nothing has changed." she told him. "I just know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I still have to hunt the bastard down and put him away. Not just for myself, anymore. Whatever evil he carried in his heart he brought here to the Borderlands. He harried the people as The Boss for however long it was before I crossed over on his tail."
"That's not a very Hope-ful attitude to take." The Smoke Man reminded her.
She nodded. "That's the truth. But maybe the time for Hope is gone. Maybe I'm yet another person now."
He chuckled, shaking his head. "Names as a tool and a purpose."
That struck her as proper. "It's not just for me, now. It's for those he abused after I sent him here."
"Charity."
"Charity." she agreed. "From now on I am Charity."
The sun broke over the horizon and the day dawned clear and bright, the beckoning mountains beneath a cold blue sky. She gathered her supplies as the cats prepared for travel.
She turned the offer of a ride down. "I give Charity. I don't accept it."
"As you like." The Smoke Man said. She watched him head back east. She knew she was not done with him yet.
West they moved, Charity and her army. The day brightened, the clarity of her purpose pushed her on.
West, towards the Ends. Towards revenge. Towards conclusion.
To spread the Charity of a cold, hard heart.
10. Trapshoot
Ends await.She knew who she was and where she was going, but the fact of the matter remained that: the ends await. This is a truth all human kind must eventually admit, a blunt admission of pragmatics no matter how optimistic or mystical minded.
The basic template of existence is the mystery.
Thousands of days and that many or more miles away she'd find herself in a dark and noisy saloon.
She was wearing a much older body; a thing of dense muscles and leathery skin. A face filled with wrinkles and a long crown of iron grey hair pulled back and plaited into a practical mane. Her eyes, if anything, had grown sharper as her body grew more brittle. There was nothing of weakness about her, no hint of softness, no flash or glimpse of mercy.
She was pure Charity now, charity of the blackest and most honest sort. She'd made a vow to rid the world -- a second world even -- of a monster who walked like a man. Her own pleasure and enjoyment had been set aside to accomplish this end. Her own life curtailed to chase this duty.
The saloon was dark in more ways than simple lack of light. They were very near The Ends here, very close to the blank grey wall of roiling mist that marked the border of the Borderlands. The grey chasm that ate the bleak desert terrain. The grey from which no traveller returned.
Stories abounded about that mist. A cult of rejects made a religion of it -- camping near it in tattered tent cities, sending prayers into its unresponsive face. They claimed to hear voices from the blank wall of grey, hear songs of eternal sadness and the weeping of old gods. The muttered confessions of ghosts.
Occasionally, she'd heard, the mist shifted by some cosmic whim and entire tent cities were lost. Vanished. Gone when morning light touched their scoured grounds again.
Such was the price of so flippant a religion, she figured.
Kerosene lamps burned in the saloon, since electricity refused to flow here near The Ends. Motors wouldn't crank. Watches stopped ticking and even levers failed to shift as much.
Physical laws broke down, it was said. And mortal laws? Justice and fairness?
She laughed aloud, just thinking of them. Such human laws were chancy in even the most stable of times and places. Near the Ends, to hope for them was a fool's errand.
She touched the bulky talisman that hung from her neck, gently. She felt the smooth cool touch of bone and let it relax her. She laughed again, a bit louder, thinking of Justice and fool's errands.
Across the room three men sat at a table, speaking pretty lies to a pretty young girl. Charity had been watching them for the past half hour. She wondered what the child was doing here. She was out of place here near The Ends. This was a place for the worn and near broken, the aging and the dull. She was a jolly thing, lively and sweet. She moved with quick liquid grace and the fiery red of her hair seemed to scar the dark of this rotting saloon.
What was she doing here? Charity guzzled the last of her piss warm beer and pondered that. Lost or a runaway, she figured. A fugitive from an ugly past, hoping for a brighter future in a dark place she was too young and stupid to hate and fear on sight. Another pilgrim in search of justice and fairness in a world scant of either.
And she laughed a third time. The third time proved the charm. The three men and the pretty out of place girl looked at her. The men looked wary. The girl smiled an innocent smile.
"What's so damn funny, old lady?" one of the men asked.
"No need to be rude..." began the young girl, but she was shushed by the other two.
The speaker raised his voice. "I said what's so damn all fired funny?"
Charity took a deep breath. She wondered if the fool had realized they were all alone in the saloon. That they had been all alone from the moment she'd stepped through the door. Those with good sense and not intent on tonight's rough pleasure had exited quickly as she sat. Even the owner of the joint had hauled ass as soon as he set the complimentary beer in front of this woman who radiated power and purpose. You got to know such things when you spent time near The Ends. They reacted with the atmosphere, created something like a halo.
They warned those with sense.
"You mute, old woman?" the speaker went on. "Just an idiot laugh left in that empty old head?"
Charity smiled at him. The weight of the talisman around her neck soothed and grounded her.
"You ever hear of the legends they got a bit east of here?" she began. Her voice was strong and loud. It surprised the men. They seemed to shrink a little. "The legends of the Woman Who Hitch Hiked With Cats?"
The wariness in the eyes of the men grew bright and painful. They tensed. "I ain't in no mood to hear fairy stories, lady." said the speaker, but his voice broke on the last words. And that was the moment the girl chose to speak up.
"Why, I've heard them!" she said, excited and please. "Been hearin' 'em my whole life seems like." She closed her eyes and recited, with the air of one telling a favorite story:
"The Woman Who Hitch Hiked With Cats moves through the world on a path all her own. She came from someplace beyond and her destination is not for common folk to understand. The cats who follow her speak to her in a secret language, and those folk who help her on her path are rewarded in a thousand different ways."
"Shut up that nonsense!" one of the men hissed. But Charity over rode him.
"You go on, honey."
"On her hip is a gun as old as the world and almost as big. With her travels an army of wild cats who know secret paths across the land."
The three men heard enough. They were up and guns were drawn.
But they found that a gun was already waiting for them. They hadn't even seen her move.
"You go on over by the door, honey." she told the red haired girl. "Stay there. Listen. But get ready to run."
The girl backed away from the standoff. But she had the fire, well and true. She stayed. Stared. Her eyes were intent and curious.
Charity smiled at her, then turned the smile on her targets. "Girl tells a story well, don't she?"
Silence. Electricity coursed the room.
"Well, I know a story of that Woman. One ain't nobody heard. Want to hear it?"
The men just stood frozen. She looked at the girl. Warming her heart, she got a little smile and an even tinier nod.
Oh, there was fire in this one.
"One night the woman had a dream." Charity began. Her voice became quieter, but her eyes never wavered. "In the dream that first cat -- the one who had been with her on the whole hard road -- had came up to her and found a voice to speak. This struck the woman as odd until she realized -- the way you do sometimes -- that the cat had been speaking to her in dreams since the day she'd met him."
"'Mizz', the cat said 'I'm getting old and this here game were playing is getting tired and lonesome.'"
"The woman was taken aback. 'What game are you referring to, Cat?' she asked."
"'The game where you pretend I'm a cat and I pretend I'm a cat and such.' he told her. 'It's just tiresome.'"
The youngest of the men whimpered and his hand twitched. Charity shot him three times, carefully paralyzing him, and had her gun back at its exact point before anyone else could even breathe different. The thud of the body to the floor was ignored. So was the whimpering. Sweating increased. Blood pressure rose.
The girl, to her credit, didn't flinch.
After a moment, Charity continued.
"The woman got all insulted and acted like that cat was crazy. The cat was an old hand at his and just told the story again, patiently."
"'I ain't no Cat, Mizz. I'm just a part of you that you got separated from a long time ago. Your spirit, some might call it. Your will. That fire that makes a person a person.'"
"'You shut up!' that stupid ignorant woman said. She didn't want to hear it."
"The cat ignored her, and went on. 'I'm old and tired of this form, Mizz. Time for you to do what you need to do.'"
The oldest of the men, the one who'd spoke first, broke. He screamed and fired. He missed by a mile.
Very carefully, almost regretfully, Charity blew his head off.
Centimeter twitch, bone and muscle and skin and tendon like steel. She blew the second man's head off even as he tried to apply pressure to the trigger.
In the sudden silence came a laugh. From the floor. The paralyzed man laughed like he expected nothing less.
The red haired girl helped her pull him outside, where there was a little more light. The girl eyed her like a vision gone bad.
"You need to head on back home now." Charity told her.
"No home to go to." the girl said.
"Well. Away from here will be an improvement."
The child smiled. "You're right." She turned to walk away, then stopped. She looked Charity in the eyes when she spoke.
"I'm glad I got to meet you." she said, simply. "I've been hearing about you all my life. When I was a kid I believed in you utterly. When I got older, not so much." She laughed. "It's a nice thing to know that the faiths of your childhood are not in vain."
Charity nodded. "What's your name?"
"Annie." the girl told her.
"A good name." Charity said, with the hint of irony.
"Good enough." the girl agreed. Then she turned and walked away.
Charity focused on the dying man in front of her.
"Where did he go?" she demanded. "Your Boss?"
The dying man smiled at her. "I'll tell you if you finish the story." he said, voice slurring.
Charity was startled. "What?"
"The story about the cat." he reminded her. "I figured where it was going. I...I know how tales go." he said. There was a pause. "You ate him, right?"
Charity actually laughed. She produced the talisman. It was the gleaming skull of a cat. The empty eyes were as black as space.
"Yeah." she admitted. "When I woke up he was dying at my feet. Old and tired. I petted him a little and he was gone. But his voice was strong in my head. I skinned him and ate him. Shared bits of him with the braver of his army. Then I set his skull on a fire ant pile and let them fashion me this here talisman."
"He was always you, and with you he stays." the man said, blood bubbling on his lips. "I won't say I'm sorry or anything like that. But I'll ask you to make it quick."
"Where did he go?" Charity demanded, but her voice was soft.
"He ran into The Ends." the man admitted. "He's gone. Please. End it quick."
She did so.
Then she headed for The Ends.
She didn't truly believe it until she neared that ugly grey curtain and saw the abandoned caravan wagon. She caught sight of one of the mules -- skinny, near starved, almost wild from abuse -- grazing nearby.
She followed a set of tracks until she came right up against that grey border.
Charity stood there, staring into that blank grey wall, and the footprints that staggered so recklessly past it. She stood there feeling the cold emptiness inside, as it echoed the cold emptiness of that grey expanse.
After these miles and these years. After these struggles. Could this be all there was to find? Another set of footsteps leading into the unknown?
Go on, a secret little voice inside whispered. Go on. Keep following. Keep on his trail. Don't let him escape. She trembled, listening to it, torn.
"Don't listen." said another voice, familiar and not secret at all.
She turned, gun coming out and up in reflex.
The Smoke Man stopped, hands out in peace.
"He's gone." he told her, plain and simple. "Gone and past chasing."
"I failed." she interpreted.
He laughed. The laughter held no mockery, no bitterness. It was a laugh of true friendly humor. "Oh, Lord woman. You are too hard on yourself. Ugly Jim was right about you. Nothing by half. Nothing."
"He escaped me." she said. Tears threatened. For the first time in years past God's counting, her vision wavered and tears threatened. Rage and frustration clashed inside her.
The Smoke Man shook his head, still chuckling. "You terrified the man." he told her. "You hounded him. Even death didn't give him escape, you followed him even there. You followed no matter the space or the obstacle he threw up. Every mile he got brought him stories of you growing ever closer."
The talisman grew warm. She felt it invading her body.
"You hounded him." he continued, obviously enjoying his words. "All these years, all these miles, and every one brought him tales of you on his trail." His smile grew fit to split his face. "Tales that tore him apart. Tales that made you a queen and a goddess and a goddamn hero. Made you what he'd pretended to be for so long in that other world. What he'd lied himself to be. And the thing that ate him the most, the thing that harried him past all reason was....why, he knew the stories about you were true." That smile no longer looked even the slightest bit pleasant. It was a portrait of revenge, well and true.
"You hounded him, lady. You hounded him right off the edge of the fucking world and into the certainty of extinction. Hounded him with fear and shame and the plain old ugly facts of the matter."
The tears were falling now, but they were a different sort. The gun in her hand sank away, but The Smoke Man didn't move. Through the prism of those tears she was stunned to see the trails on his own face.
"You hounded him." his voice was quiet, almost a prayer. "Mostly you hounded him with the fact that what your Daddy said was true -- no matter what he took away, no matter how hard he hurt you, what your Daddy said was true. You were a good girl."
The Smoke Man turned and spat, into the grey Ends. As near to the clumsy footsteps as he could reach.
"You did him in." said the quiet voice that did not waver despite the tears. "Good riddance. Good girl. Thank you."
And she saw that the shape of the Smoke Man was becoming vague. Dissipating.
The gun was at her side now. "What are you?" she asked. There was no demand, only a desire to know.
His voice was already growing indistinct. But he answered.
"No man is born evil." he said. "In fact, to become evil a man has to kill what is good in him and send it away, into the Borderlands, to trouble his whims no more."
She tried to step up and hold the Smoke Man's hand as he faded, but he was beyond that now.
He glanced at the implacable grey curtain. "That creature killed me long ago. Sent me here long ago. I've been walking this ground for a long time. I did what I could. Life is a trapshoot, and we take our shot. We grab on every chance hit to stay in the game. If we manage to get the chances to stay in long enough, we might get good enough to hang on till something right happens."
Charity fell to her knees and tried to cling to him. She failed, he was truly smoke now, almost gone.
"I was killed long before he set eyes on you. But somehow I knew about you. I waited for you. I hung on till I got to meet you. I felt him come and knew you'd be on his trail."
She wept without shame. He faded.
"Go back east." came the whisper. "Time don't matter much here. Go to the east and look for your home."
She barely heard his last words over her own grief.
"I'm glad I got to meet you, Annie. I love you. You're a good girl."
And then the wind took the last of him.
She sobbed for a good long time, and the universe was kind and let her have the peace to do it.
When she finished, she stood up. She dusted herself off. She looked around.
The world abided. From every hiding spot curious eyes peered out. They waited, wondering what came next.
She sighed. She stretched. She hoisted the backpack up and secured the straps. She turned away from the grey nothing of the ends of the world and started walking.
"Let's go, dammit." she told the cats.
And so she headed back east, in search of a place she'd once known. She wasn't certain of finding it, of course, but certainties were not the point.
The point was the journey, and that blazing need, that desire. The seeking of a thing was the worthwhile part of living, not the finding.
As she travelled the cats came to her. Ferals from the wilderness, barn kittens who got the itch and urge to travel when she passed. They followed her as birds follow the seasons, as leaves turn to follow the rain. The came to her and fought for her, and loved her up close and from a distance. They responded to something in her that was like themselves, some strength and independence. Some instinct to move together but to never be herded.
To an instinct to forever hunt.
As she travelled the legends whirled and grew around her, shimmering and splitting and becoming great sagas and simple cautionary tales. They became boogie stories and bedtime treats. They became sermons and drunken jokes. They became stories great and simple and none of them were any more or less true than the others. That is the nature of legends. The beating heart of myth.
Legends. Myth. Explorations of that eternal basic mystery, and the simple truth that the investigation of it is what matters.
Legends.
Of the grim, quiet wanderer with the kind heart and a soul full of justice.
Of the army of cats that travelled on secret paths and could not be left behind.
Of the huge steel gun that sounded like thunder.
Of the fall of governments and the rise of new nations.
Of the slaying of dragons herded off the end of the world.
Of the jet black talisman with the space dark eyes.
Of poor Faith, brave Hope and grim Charity.
Of the woman who hitch hiked with cats.
When I was a child, I spake as a child,
I understood as a child, I thought as a child:
but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
For now we see through a glass, darkly;
but then face to face: now I know in part;
but then shall I know even as also I am known.
And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three;
but the greatest of these is charity.
(1Corinthians 13:11-13)
(For Claire and Sharon, and all the other daughters of Columbia. I love you, sisters.)